I never knew...

Whenever you have a baby, everyone seems to have advice, and tell you their stories of their children. I was one of the soon-to-be Mothers that listened to everything everyone had to say about babies and parenting. Absorbing it all in, like I would just not have a clue about my child if I didn't listen to all these people!

Now, I know that everything everyone else said doesn't even compare, or relate to your own child. I was so terrified at times, and in denial that I was going to be a Mother. Until recently, I think it all finally set in after a few months of Motherhood, that I am responsible for Mason's life, and I am his Mother.

At times, (don't let anyone fool you), it gets extremely tough. But, I also am sure that if I had another set of hands to help me I would probably manage a little better. I just continue on my path as a Mother, and have learned to accept what I have been delt. Things to get easier the older he gets too. I think its my overwhelming feelings of guilt that get to me the most. From my whole new situation.

I know Mason is way too young to even understand what is going on. I mean, as long as he is fed, changed, burped, and bathed, he is the happiest little boy out there! But, for me, its more of the long term stuff that gets to me. The questions Mason will have for me when he gets older. I find myself running through answers in my head, of what I could tell him, to not make him feel unwanted, or unloved in anyway.

Last night, I started thinking a million miles per hour about everything. and Mason when he gets older, and then I realized that I don't need to be thinking about what lies so ahead in the future. I need to be cherishing these moments of true innocence and happiness that he has, that just over flows the room. Why should I be making myself feel bad, for somethings that have not even happened yet, and won't happen for years!?

Over the past year, I admit, my faith has faded into almost nothing. I know it's sad. I think once I start to re-instate my faith, I can start to think more positivley about my life, and my sons' life. That is my new goal to start focusing on.